#23 - What Would Your Teachers think?!

The snoring and purring of the animals became almost constant in his dreams and the sense of being held.  Pel, Yolen and he knew that the baby was there, though not close, Ahrimiar and Wenhiffar and Rutaçyen.  They were treating him as if he were their own injured boy.

The tears running, unchecked down his face were also all but ubiquitous.  Then another hand on his shoulder.  He couldn’t bear to see who it was, who they had told.  He felt so ashamed and exhausted and overwhelmed.

“I can feel that you are not my daddy,” the young girl’s voice said.  “But that’s all right.  You’re starting to heal.”

“Shashe,” he said, and choked on her name.  “You should not be near me.”  His throat hurt because he hadn’t spoken in so long.

“You aren’t going to hurt me, Uncle.”

“Uncle.  Yes.  That’s a good phrase for me.  I am as close to your father as a brother.”  He couldn’t open his eyes, couldn’t lift a hand.  The cat on him was a big old tortoiseshell with a missing ear and one fang.  She butted her head under his chin until he had to turn away, found himself with one cheek on top of Teh’s bony head, looking at his ‘niece’.  “I…” he coughed and coughed again, found himself swallowing his rage at himself.  How could he have damaged his own girl so?  He hadn't been able to bear having her anywhere near him after she'd healed speechless, gradually growing more and more withdrawn.

Shashe was nearly as dark skinned as her mother, with long wavy brown hair with his gold highlights in it, same as his own girl, with the piercing Kenaçyen blue eyes.  Her hair was caught into an Imaryan healer’s braid, with the blue apprentice beads clicking gently off the bottom fringe. Aware eyes, not vague, not wandering, not brain-injured.  She wore an Imaryan robe and the Innéan sunburst with a Lion’s face together and she sat, still.  Astonishing for a child of her age.  The gemstone below the sunburst was a star sapphire teardrop.  The Apporheitos ‘Eye of Truth’.

Ahrimaz’s voice froze but he managed to choke out an ‘I’m sorry.’ Before he fell back into the hell that was his mind.  But Shashe’s hand was on his shoulder.

“You don’t need to run away into the madness, Uncle,” she said quietly.  “There is no shame here.”

“There… is… shame enough… in my world. The blame is all mine.”  She nodded.  “I destroyed my little girl’s mind in my world.  The Shashe I know plays with her fingers and drools instead of sits and consults with my healer.”  Why am I confessing this?  Because it is truth.  She will hear it.  Yolend will hear truth.  And my terror.  I give up.  I cannot defend myself against truth.  I am a monster and deserve this pain.

He repeated his thought out loud and her young brow furrowed.  “I understand why you feel that way.  But I hear a lie buried in it.”

“Oh?”

“You did those things.  You learned not only to bear and enjoy hurting people and animals, killing and frightening everyone around you, all those monstrous things because there was nothing else for you.  The little boy inside you hasn’t ceased screaming.  Not for all these years.  So part of your armour is to be a monster.  That part is true.  But not to all of you.  That is one lie.  The other lie is that you deserve punishment for it.”

Limyé’s voice came from near the door.  “Thank you for your analysis, Apprentice.  I thought so, but you’ve just confirmed it.”

Ahrimaz struggled to sit up, struggled to get out from under the blanket of animals.  All three groaned and moved, though reluctantly whining or hissing or grunting.  “I’m glad you didn’t let her in here by herself!” His anger rose.  “How could you do that to her?  Feeling me?  She’s family and she’s no more than fourteen!  How could you treat her like that!”  He could see her smiling slightly, out of the corner of his eye.

“Spoken like a concerned father, or uncle,” Limyé said.  “Yolend sent you more soup, because you need to eat something.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“That’s a lie, Uncle.” Shashe said.  “You’re suppressing your body’s needs because you don’t think you deserve care.”  That was true.  He was desperately hungry and he was weakened and shaking.

Ahrimaz’s head snapped from glaring at Limyé to glaring at Shashe.  “I am Limyé’s patient, young lady, not yours.  I’ll thank you to get out of my feelings!  What would your teachers think?! If they are anything like my Apporheitos, discretion is their first learning!”

“I’m sorry, Uncle.” She rose.  “I’ll come down and see you some days, all right?”

“I can’t stop you,” he snapped.  “But I insist you respect my privacy!”

“Yes, daddy.”

He just froze as she passed Limyé sitting at the desk and opened the cage door.  He watched her as she stood to be let out.

“I’m not him,” he whispered, but that was long after the door had closed behind her.